VERY Pregnant

Let me rewind here.

The day before our first beta, I threw in the towel. I had a long talk with the big guy upstairs, bawling my eyes out, snot running down my face, ugly cry kinda talk. I told him that I accept and understand, that I will be fine with whatever the outcome. Round 3 had officially taken its toll on me. Emotionally and physically, I was drained. The hormones were throwing me all over the place, I hadn't felt one single pregnancy symptom, and I was positive that I fried the little guys while getting a massage on a heated blanket (stupid me.....although a nurse I spoke with later said this could have helped with implantation). Anyway, I had given up and told the hubby...begged the hubby to stop my shots. I just couldn't do it anymore. He said one more day, "lets see what the results say."

Unbeknown to him, my sister had given me her remaining pregnancy test, and I took it the very next morning right when I woke up. This felt, in some weird way, like I was in control of something. Like I had the ability to know the outcome before I was told by someone else. This whole process has shown me what little control over anything that I have, so I peed on the damn stick. And waited. And paced. And then after the longest three minutes, stood there in shock. In the first time in almost four years, I had my very first positive pregnancy test. The hubby was sleeping when I jumped in the bed and showed him. We just sat there, smiling and shocked.

The biggest shock came just four hours later when our nurse called to tell us congratulations, that I am, "very pregnant." Our beta at 10dp2dt was 315! Four days later, at 14dp2dt our beta was a whopping 3,125. The nurse shared that she had never seen a number that high and that it could indicate multiples. I ran downstairs and shared the news with the hubby and we just laughed and laughed. Was this real?!?!?

So the next two weeks, I spent googling other betas and comparing numbers. To be honest, I rarely found any beta numbers similar to mine, and became convinced (and terrified) that I was, no doubt, carrying quadruplets. I was convinced that both embryos took, and split.  At our ultrasound I was a nervous wreck and could not stop shaking....from excitement and fear. On the screen, I watched as they located baby A and then baby B. Twins!!!!!! We had always dreamed of having twins. Our family would now be complete. 

So here I am, week 14 and I still cannot believe it. WE still cannot believe it. We've had 3 ultrasounds and have watched as they have grown from little dots, to tadpole looking like creatures, to actual human beings. At our last appointment, we watched as they arched their backs, did karate kicks, and even a flip. Active little guys.....it was so exciting to watch.

Overall, I feel good. My morning sickness came at night, which was perfect since I needed to teach during the day. That has subsided and now I deal with headaches and migraines, but we are managing. I am very thankful to be in this position and yet, a part of me is constantly worrying that all of this will fall apart. I'm hoping that as my belly continues to grow, that these horrible thoughts will fade....

Until then, I pray for me and our little ones..... And of course, I pray for you. 

:)

P.S. I began writing this post 3 weeks ago...and posted this finally on 10/18/2015

It's Go Time!

Last week I had my ultrasound and learned that my lining is 10 mm thick (my nurse said it can range from as little as 6mm thick), so we are ready to go. Friday was my last Lupron shot and I am thankful! No more bruising! No more hot flashes! We also began the dreaded progesterone shot, but its all kind of routine now. The one good thing is that we wake up early, ice my behind, the hubby gives me the shot, and then he massages the injection site before we fall back to sleep....and I don't have to think about shots for the rest of the day. It makes me feel kind of normal....kind of. I'm down to two estradiol pills a day now and Zithromax & Medrol are taken at night to help fight off infection.

Today I had my very last acupuncture appointment.....and it felt heavenly. Very relaxing. So that's where we are at. Tomorrow we make the drive down state for our transfer at 10:30. I've had a couple of people ask me how I'm feeling (we've told less people this time.....maybe a handful of folks) and I'm hopeful.

 We are hopeful.

Thanks for the love & prayers.

:-)

The Infertility Game

A little infertility humor for you, because sometimes you just have to laugh.

Rollercoaster

That's what I feel like I'm on.....a rollercoaster.

One minute I'm on top of the world and the next minute, I'm coasting quickly to the bottom. I'm happy, then I'm sad. These hormones are not fun. Add to the mix; Estrace (more estrogen) twice a day. I started taking these pills last Saturday and will be upping my dose to three times a day on Wednesday. I would love to say that I am not suffering from side effects of the hormones, but I am. Migraines and hot flashes have become my new BFF's and they won't seem to leave me alone. Over the weekend, it wiped me out completely....two days of hell and canceled plans. I finally had to break down and turn on the Central Air. BUT, it could be worse as there are a lot of side effects and some a lot worse than what I am experiencing. Don't even think about Googling them mom. Just don't.

Today is one of those days where I can cry over everything.....it's awful. I hate feeling mopey and down. Especially, since coming off the high of our last two fun-filled weeks. I have feelings that I know I should not have; a little bit of jealousy mixed in with some good old fashion bitterness. But, I am human.....

My friend recently informed me that she shared my blog with a friend of hers that is about to begin the IVF process. If you are reading, I wish you and your husband the best of luck. It's a crazy ride and you will indeed, wonder if you are crazy. You're not. People will say the wrong things and you may secretly want to punch them in the face. Forgive them. They have no idea what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes. Surround yourself with a great support system, because it's nice to be able to lean on someone other than your husband all the time (because this process will be hard for him too).

Speaking of husband....last night he crawled into bed and gave me lots of snuggles. At one point he even whispered to me, "I love us." How lucky am I? So maybe my hormones aren't showing too much after all?  ;-)

15 days til our transfer.
I'll take any prayers for us and our embryos.

Round #3 Here We Go!

Status: Round #3, FET #2 in progress! 

In fact, I'm on day 10 of the Lupron shot. So far, only one migraine! My tummy is bloated from the hormones and toughening up again, which makes trying to get a needle in painful and a little challenging (but the pain is brief). We are just waiting for my period to start (delayed by the lovely Lupron hormone) and then the blood work begins to check my estradiol levels. This will give us a better idea of when our transfer will happen. 

So that's where we are at. Overall, I'm in a good place. I'm super relaxed and hopeful. The hubby and I have had quite a challenging year..... consumed with this on-going process and job loss, but we always come out stronger and swinging. We contemplated delaying this procedure for a 'better' time, but when is that? As I've said before, my uterus isn't getting any younger. ;-)

In the meantime, as we wait, we are enjoying our summer and making the most of it. Within this last week alone, we've visited the wineries to celebrate our 6 year anniversary, have gone boating, kayaking, beaching, and off-roading. We've had visitors and met up with old friends. My face hurts from smiling so much and I'm absolutely exhausted....in a good way. 

So that's where we are at. 

Positive thoughts. 

:)

A Familiar Journey...

A beautiful post from Elisha (Waiting for Baby Bird): 

Infertility is More than Just the Inability to Conceive…

Posted in The Journey, Whispers of Hope

I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been traveling this journey for months or even years.  But I think we can all agree that it is tough.  Really tough.  And when I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. Were you?  Because for me, I was naive.  I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying. And rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now?  Four years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused?  And then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage?  And I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same.  Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive…

Because I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month. And it’s almost like a grave that keeps following you around as it grabs your hope and swallows, even buries more and more of your dreams with each failed cycle. It’s a fierce battle between your hope, your faith and your circumstances.  A battle you must fight to win every day. And a battle that is exhausting.

Infertility is letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents.  But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test.  It’s going from shock after seeing only one line.  To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other.  All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible.  And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t.  And possibly won’t.  At least not this time.  It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month.  And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again.  Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not.  Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight.  Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.

It is watching your life be put on hold.  Or even pushed backwards.  It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe.  And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy.  Or punished for some past sin.

Infertility is a disease.  Yes, a disease that often times makes you feel different.  Alone.  Insecure.  Embarrassed. Forgotten.  Broken.  And Overlooked.  It makes you avoid the ones you love and doubt the God you serve.  It suffocates your hope.  Weakens your faith.  And steals your joy.  It makes you feel helpless as there is little you can do to change your condition.  And if there is?  You have tried it.

It’s sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery.  It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from the pitter patters of tiny feet in the morning or giggles from bath time at night.  It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every vitamin recommended, test suggested, treatment procedure offered, medicine given, and diet instructed.

Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love.  It’s dreaming of the day you are finally able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store.  It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared to death that this dream might never happen.

It’s breaking down and purchasing the blanket…that one soft blanket you absolutely fell in love with in the store. And it’s bringing it home and holding it up to your cheek while laying in bed and wondering.  Wondering if it will ever be used for something other than to soak up your tears every night.

Infertility is begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you.  But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t.  It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best.  His timing is perfect.  And that it will happen.  One day…you hope.  It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to me despite my feelings and circumstances.  All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such a blessing.  It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating.  It’s gut-wrenching…

And it’s more than just the inability to conceive. 
But sweet sister, can I just whisper hope into your ear today?  Can I encourage your heart for just a second?  Because the pain you feel? The tears you shed? The dead-end roads you have faced? And the dreams you have buried? They are all ingredients for the miracle you have been praying every night for.  I know…sounds crazy, right?  But if you hadn’t noticed? There is rarely ever a miracle without first the overwhelming pain of a problem.  A problem that is full of heartache and frustration that causes tears, sleepless nights, disappointments and intense grief.  So hold on. Don’t become too discouraged after another failed cycle.  Or allow fear to creep into your thoughts that you will never be a mother.  Instead, have hope.  Hope that things could change.  And then mix it with faith.  Faith to believe they will.  Because I can’t help but think your problem and my problem is simply creating the perfect breeding ground for a miracle.  A miracle that God has proven time and time again He can and will perform.

Baby Steps & Mother's Day

     This last week I hung streamers for a baby shower and actually attended for a few minutes. This is huge for me (baby steps as I've been told). My friend came over to me right away and hugged & thanked me for being there to support her. When I got home I opened the mail and found another baby shower invite. My hubby and I just shook our heads. You almost have to laugh. Almost. 

     All of our tests came back negative and we will be starting round three (FET #2) either June or July. My clinic told me to contact them when I start my period so we can get on the schedule. Well, nothing says you're not a mother (I get it already!) like starting your period on Mother's Day. So we will be figuring everything out tomorrow.

Oh, and I found this beautiful letter (below) a while ago and wanted to share. Last year my husband and I were honored when we were given the role as godparents. The baptism took place on Mother's Day and as much as we felt blessed to be a part of this special day, the church service gutted me. Mother's Day is a special day for many, and for others it's another day to remind them of what they're not. 

Dear Pastor,

Tone can be tricky in writing. Picture me popping my head in your office door, smiling and asking if we could talk for five minutes. I’m sipping on my diet coke as I sit down.

You know that I’m not one to shy away from speaking my mind, part of the reason you love me (mostly!), so I’m guessing that internally you brace yourself wondering what might be next.

I set my can down and this is what I’d say.

A few years ago I sat across from a woman who told me she doesn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it is too hurtful.  I’m not a mother, but I had never seen the day as hurtful. She had been married, had numerous miscarriages, divorced and was beyond child bearing years. It was like salt in mostly healed wounds to go to church on that day. This made me sad, but I understood.

Fast forward several years to Mother’s Day.  A pastor asked all mothers to stand. On my immediate right, my mother stood and on my immediate left, a dear friend stood. I, a woman in her late 30s, sat. I don’t know how others saw me, but I felt dehumanized, gutted as a woman. Real women stood, empty shells sat. I do not normally feel this way. I do not like feeling this way. I want no woman to ever feel this way in church again.

Last year a friend from the States happened to visit on Mother’s Day and again the pastor (a different one) asked all mothers to stand. As a mother, she stood and I whispered to her, “I can’t take it, I’m standing.” She knows I’m not a mother yet she understood my standing / lie.

Here’s the thing, I believe we can honor mothers without alienating others. I want women to feel welcome, appreciated, seen, and needed here in our little neck of the body of Christ.

1. Do away with the standing. You mean well, but it’s just awkward. Does the woman who had a miscarriage stand? Does the mom whose children ran away stand? Does the single woman who is pregnant stand? A.w.k.w.a.r.d.

2.  Acknowledge the wide continuum of mothering.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

I’ve created a PDF of The Wide Spectrum of Mothering 

3. Commend mothering for the ways it reflects the Imago Dei (Image of God) by bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path, and living with the tension of providing both freedom and a safety net.

I know I might be an unusual one to be speaking about Mother’s Day; but maybe that’s why so many talk to me about mothering, I’ve got the parts, just not the goods.  Thanks for listening and for continuing to mother us in a shepherding way. Even though I’m a bit nervous to come on Sunday, I will be here. But if you make us stand, I might just walk out =).

Warmly and in your corner,

Amy