It worked! And then it didn't........
The few days before my blood test, I was feeling pretty positive. My sniffer smelled anything and everything. I would walk down the hall and could smell the mint soap bar my husband was using in the shower and at work I would try not to gag when my students would eat maple syrup bars or even speak to me (of course we then had to have a talk on the importance of personal hygiene). I even caved and took a digital pregnancy test the night before our beta. It said, "not pregnant" but when I ripped apart the device (couldn't help myself), I saw a faint line and the hubby did too. Overall, besides my sniffer, I didn't feel pregnant and I took that as a good sign (read my last post below for further explanation).
So the next morning I went and had my blood drawn and our beta was 12. My nurse said that although it was low, we were testing a day earlier due to the weekend and to not stress about the number. So of course the hubby and I were beyond ecstatic. I updated my (private) Pinterest boards- pretty much planned out my baby shower. The hubby made up a fun announcement post card, researched baby strollers, and even pulled out a baby book he bought us three years ago when we first began trying. Over the weekend I watched him read this book and it melted my heart.
But as my grandma would say..... We counted our chickens before they hatched. We were too excited, too confident. So imagine our shock and disappointment when my fertility nurse called four days later to tell me that our beta had dropped to 1.6. Of course, I got the word at work and kept my shit together as best as I could. I made it through the day, got in my car and lost it. When I got home, my hubby met me at the door, gave me a hug, and told me he had the candles going in the bathroom for a hot bath (that always relaxes me). He sat next to me on the floor and told me, "We're in this together. "
I know that I am blessed with an amazing hubby and an amazing life, but the great question you can't help but ask is why? Why didn't this work? Why are we being tested? Why can't we have it easier like others? Why do we have to go through this? Why? My actual doctor called me the same day and told me that she was sorry about my biochemical pregnancy. She then proceeded to tell me that she wants me to have further blood tests to see if perhaps I have a blood clotting disorder that is preventing a viable pregnancy. So of course I consulted Google and of course, I shouldn't have. What I read was not promising. At. All.
So this is where we are at. We are going to get my blood drawn soon pending this wonderful winter storm we are currently experiencing. Overall, I feel okay. Part of me feels relief that this is over. This process has been ongoing since August. Surgeries, taking shots, taking pills, blood draws, doctor appointments, long drives.... It's been a part time job itself and I need a break. Mentally and physically I need a break. Financially, we need to pay off our credit card. We. Iz. Broke.
It feels good to wake up on my own instead of by an alarm clock telling me its shot time. It feels good to have our counter clean of needles, medicine, and alcohol pads. It feels good to breathe again. My sister recently posted a picture of us from a family vacation. In this picture I had what a friend would call a large bass smile, nothing but pearly whites and radiating nothing but happiness. My first thought was; I miss that person, I haven't seen her in a while. Don't get me wrong, my hubby and I have tried our best to maintain a normal, fun life. We weren't going to let this process stop us from living our lives and we haven't. What I see on my face from that picture is freedom. I look care-free and content. I'm ready to be that person again.
I don't know what our next steps are. I think a lot of it will depend on my blood test results, but overall I want and need a long break. We still have 3 embryos left, but the thought of going through this again....I can and would do it....just not now. I also keep thinking about what our lives would be like without kids altogether. The hubby said we would travel and still live our lives to the fullest, and I don't doubt that. I just can't wrap my mind around anything right now, and I guess that's okay because really I don't need to have it all figured out right now.
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