So my FET was suppose to happen next week. Key word: suppose. Ha!
After my estradiol continue to climb...from 384 to 417 (baseline is suppose to be at 50 in order to proceed), my nurse suggested that I probably had a cyst growing on my ovary and that they would more than likely have to drain it. "Don't worry, it's kind of like an egg retrieval." What?!?!? Egg retrieval? Those hurt like a bitch!
So after a pity party and some crying...and wondering why and more praying... I pulled my shit together and put it in god's hands. Worrying and crying were not going to change the outcome. Besides, I wanted to have a great weekend. So I did.
On our 2.5 hour drive to the fertility clinic I was calm....super calm. An hour before my procedure I popped my Motrin, an antibiotic, and a Valium they had prescribed. I LOVE Valium. OMG. I could not stop laughing. Everything was funny. I almost fell over in the parking lot ( I am such a light weight), I thought that was funny too. My hubby could not stop laughing at me either. I'm sure we looked like a couple of fools walking into the clinic, but everything was just so damn funny.
So we saw it, a 5 mm cyst on the ultrasound screen. My doctor drained it and yes, it hurt like a bitch (of course the Valium was wearing off by now....not so funny) BUT, now it's time to move forward and we are all pretty excited about that....even if it delays this process by two more weeks and that means two more weeks of shots.
This waiting game is mentally and physically exhausting.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Infertility & Relationships
Relationships can be complicated enough...but sometimes sharing complicates things....or a lack of sharing complicates things. Or both.
Through this process I have lost a friend. One friendship was especially meaningful to me. We had been friends for over 10 years. We confided in each other and made some pretty amazing memories together. We both shared our desire to start a family, and began trying around the same time. Sometimes this journey changes us, and it changed her. I watched her become a different person, she lost herself in the process. It hurt me because I knew she was hurting and she was slowly pushing me away. The thing that she didn't realize, is that I was hurting, and I needed her too.
So maybe people distance themselves in order to cope. I get it, because I have distanced myself from people too. Intentionally, I've done this to protect my heart, but not from those close to me. People are curious by nature. Conversation usually centers around family. If someone is asking about kids or starting a family, Im outta there faster than you can say abracadabra. I hate the questioning, but I get it.
For me, distance or avoidance means less stress and less pressure. I don't want to hear how my biological time clock is ticking, or that the hubby and I would make great parents .....we already know this! The worst is when I've been cornered into telling our story and that person feels bad for me and then feels bad for asking. Silence. Crickets. Now I am trying to reassure them that it's okay and to not feel bad for asking. Geesh. It just gets weird and uncomfortable for both parties. So right now the avoidance/distance thing is working for me. So, you're welcome.
And if you do know our story, well you are one of the lucky few my hubby and I chose to confide in. These folks are our closest family and friends. We chose to share our infertility woes with them only so they could better understand my sometimes neurotic behavior (I totally blame all the estrogen that's coursing through me) and the waterfall of tears that can turn on at the drop of a hat. I've always been an emotional person (I prefer passionate), so this journey has been a roller coaster for me and those around me. The hubby and I tried for the longest time to keep our woes between the two of us, but it was just too much to shoulder by ourselves. And what a release it has been....to share with those we love.
Sometimes this process ruins couples. I've been extremely lucky. My husband has been so encouraging and supportive. He said to me, "Anything we have ever done has not been easy. What makes you think this will be any easier? It's not. It won't be. But it will make us stronger." So true. In the end, if this process does not work out in our favor, I know that we will be okay. We are already blessed. That's the way I have to look at it anyway.
I am even blessed with some amazing friendships. Even my pregnant friends have been super supportive and encouraging. I know how difficult it was for them to share their exciting news with me, and they were super classy about it. They knew it would be difficult for me to hear, and it was. But they also knew how happy I would be for them. I told them from the beginning to keep it real with me, to not walk around on eggshells with me. The one thing that I wanted was to be included in their lives during this special time, even if it did hurt me at times. So I am beyond thankful for the friends who have included me on their journey. I have loved the phone calls, the picture texts, the announcements, the updates, and the baby shower invites. Thank you for sharing and for including me.
To my family and friends who are not expecting; thank you for letting me lean on you, for allowing me to cry. Thank you for the kind, positive words, the big hugs, and the "pull your shit together" talks (because those are needed too). Thank you for helping me to stay sane and for helping me to not lose myself in this process.
We are forever thankful for all of your love and support. :-)
Thank you.
Through this process I have lost a friend. One friendship was especially meaningful to me. We had been friends for over 10 years. We confided in each other and made some pretty amazing memories together. We both shared our desire to start a family, and began trying around the same time. Sometimes this journey changes us, and it changed her. I watched her become a different person, she lost herself in the process. It hurt me because I knew she was hurting and she was slowly pushing me away. The thing that she didn't realize, is that I was hurting, and I needed her too.
So maybe people distance themselves in order to cope. I get it, because I have distanced myself from people too. Intentionally, I've done this to protect my heart, but not from those close to me. People are curious by nature. Conversation usually centers around family. If someone is asking about kids or starting a family, Im outta there faster than you can say abracadabra. I hate the questioning, but I get it.
For me, distance or avoidance means less stress and less pressure. I don't want to hear how my biological time clock is ticking, or that the hubby and I would make great parents .....we already know this! The worst is when I've been cornered into telling our story and that person feels bad for me and then feels bad for asking. Silence. Crickets. Now I am trying to reassure them that it's okay and to not feel bad for asking. Geesh. It just gets weird and uncomfortable for both parties. So right now the avoidance/distance thing is working for me. So, you're welcome.
And if you do know our story, well you are one of the lucky few my hubby and I chose to confide in. These folks are our closest family and friends. We chose to share our infertility woes with them only so they could better understand my sometimes neurotic behavior (I totally blame all the estrogen that's coursing through me) and the waterfall of tears that can turn on at the drop of a hat. I've always been an emotional person (I prefer passionate), so this journey has been a roller coaster for me and those around me. The hubby and I tried for the longest time to keep our woes between the two of us, but it was just too much to shoulder by ourselves. And what a release it has been....to share with those we love.
Sometimes this process ruins couples. I've been extremely lucky. My husband has been so encouraging and supportive. He said to me, "Anything we have ever done has not been easy. What makes you think this will be any easier? It's not. It won't be. But it will make us stronger." So true. In the end, if this process does not work out in our favor, I know that we will be okay. We are already blessed. That's the way I have to look at it anyway.
I am even blessed with some amazing friendships. Even my pregnant friends have been super supportive and encouraging. I know how difficult it was for them to share their exciting news with me, and they were super classy about it. They knew it would be difficult for me to hear, and it was. But they also knew how happy I would be for them. I told them from the beginning to keep it real with me, to not walk around on eggshells with me. The one thing that I wanted was to be included in their lives during this special time, even if it did hurt me at times. So I am beyond thankful for the friends who have included me on their journey. I have loved the phone calls, the picture texts, the announcements, the updates, and the baby shower invites. Thank you for sharing and for including me.
To my family and friends who are not expecting; thank you for letting me lean on you, for allowing me to cry. Thank you for the kind, positive words, the big hugs, and the "pull your shit together" talks (because those are needed too). Thank you for helping me to stay sane and for helping me to not lose myself in this process.
We are forever thankful for all of your love and support. :-)
Thank you.
Our Infertility Timeline
December of 2012 - our TTC journey began
January 2013 - Visit to OB-GYN recommends testing for hubby
March 2013 - I am unofficially diagnosed with IC
March 2013- HSG Test Holly hell did that hurt! Tubes are clear!
April 2013 - Semen Analysis indicated low sperm count (6 million total)
June 2013 - IUI #1 BFN
July 2013 - IUI #2 BFN
August 2013 - IUI #3 w/Clomid BFN
Time for a break ......with procedures of course. Cue the ovulation tests and timed intercourse. So. Much. Fun.
May 2014 - Hubby suggests visiting a fertility clinic for IVF....to seek options.
June 2014 - The fertility specialists suggest IVF w/ICSI. Can we afford this!?!?!?
July 2014 - Another semen analysis shows my hubby has 25 sperm total! WTH!?!? No other option...on to IVF.
August 2014 - Sonohystogram and Mock Transfer performed. Three large polyps found on my ovaries. Sweet!
August 2014 - Hysteroscopy to remove the polyps (my first surgery ever! I was terrified). Of course a hot doctor would get to operate on my hoo-ha! Lining: clean and clear!
September 28th, 2014 - IVF retrieval 14 eggs retrieved! 9 total embryos! Hubby's sperm count: 12 million! Kind of a big deal!
September 30th, 2014 - Transfer Day! Two grade A+ embryos transferred (5 grade A embryos left).
October 10th, 2014 - Beta # 1 level at 5 . BFN. I. am. Devastated.
October 14, 2014 - Beta #2 at 80! What!?!?!?!? BFP! My hcg level was low, but had more than doubled!!!! Eeeeeee!
October 16th, 2014 - Beta #3 level of 43. Chemical pregnancy. Etopic Pregnany ruled out with later ultrasound and more blood work.
The grieving period begins.....
December 5th, 2014 - I begin Lupron shots (20 units) for January FET.
December18th, 2014 - Estradiol level shows 384! What!?!?!? In order to proceed with FET, my level has to be at 50! The fertility nurse believes I had a cyst that ruptured on my ovary. Awesome, this puts our transfer day back another week. Not to mention, this estrogen is making me crazy!
December 26th, 2014 - Estradiol level at 417! It's going up! Seriously!?!?
December 30th, 2014 - Ultrasound revealed a 5 mm cyst. Drained! Just waiting for my estradiol levels to go down!
January 5th, 2015 -Estradiol level at 23! YES! Transfer scheduled for January 27th!
January 27th- Transfered two beautiful embryos.....
February 6th, 2015- Beta # 1 at 12. Low, but positive!!!!!!!!
February 10th, 2015- Beta # 2 at 1.6 Another biochemical pregnancy.
And this is where we are currently at.......
January 2013 - Visit to OB-GYN recommends testing for hubby
March 2013 - I am unofficially diagnosed with IC
March 2013- HSG Test Holly hell did that hurt! Tubes are clear!
April 2013 - Semen Analysis indicated low sperm count (6 million total)
June 2013 - IUI #1 BFN
July 2013 - IUI #2 BFN
August 2013 - IUI #3 w/Clomid BFN
Time for a break ......with procedures of course. Cue the ovulation tests and timed intercourse. So. Much. Fun.
May 2014 - Hubby suggests visiting a fertility clinic for IVF....to seek options.
June 2014 - The fertility specialists suggest IVF w/ICSI. Can we afford this!?!?!?
July 2014 - Another semen analysis shows my hubby has 25 sperm total! WTH!?!? No other option...on to IVF.
August 2014 - Sonohystogram and Mock Transfer performed. Three large polyps found on my ovaries. Sweet!
August 2014 - Hysteroscopy to remove the polyps (my first surgery ever! I was terrified). Of course a hot doctor would get to operate on my hoo-ha! Lining: clean and clear!
September 28th, 2014 - IVF retrieval 14 eggs retrieved! 9 total embryos! Hubby's sperm count: 12 million! Kind of a big deal!
September 30th, 2014 - Transfer Day! Two grade A+ embryos transferred (5 grade A embryos left).
October 10th, 2014 - Beta # 1 level at 5 . BFN. I. am. Devastated.
October 14, 2014 - Beta #2 at 80! What!?!?!?!? BFP! My hcg level was low, but had more than doubled!!!! Eeeeeee!
October 16th, 2014 - Beta #3 level of 43. Chemical pregnancy. Etopic Pregnany ruled out with later ultrasound and more blood work.
The grieving period begins.....
December 5th, 2014 - I begin Lupron shots (20 units) for January FET.
December18th, 2014 - Estradiol level shows 384! What!?!?!? In order to proceed with FET, my level has to be at 50! The fertility nurse believes I had a cyst that ruptured on my ovary. Awesome, this puts our transfer day back another week. Not to mention, this estrogen is making me crazy!
December 26th, 2014 - Estradiol level at 417! It's going up! Seriously!?!?
December 30th, 2014 - Ultrasound revealed a 5 mm cyst. Drained! Just waiting for my estradiol levels to go down!
January 5th, 2015 -Estradiol level at 23! YES! Transfer scheduled for January 27th!
January 27th- Transfered two beautiful embryos.....
February 6th, 2015- Beta # 1 at 12. Low, but positive!!!!!!!!
February 10th, 2015- Beta # 2 at 1.6 Another biochemical pregnancy.
And this is where we are currently at.......
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