Through this process I have lost a friend. One friendship was especially meaningful to me. We had been friends for over 10 years. We confided in each other and made some pretty amazing memories together. We both shared our desire to start a family, and began trying around the same time. Sometimes this journey changes us, and it changed her. I watched her become a different person, she lost herself in the process. It hurt me because I knew she was hurting and she was slowly pushing me away. The thing that she didn't realize, is that I was hurting, and I needed her too.
So maybe people distance themselves in order to cope. I get it, because I have distanced myself from people too. Intentionally, I've done this to protect my heart, but not from those close to me. People are curious by nature. Conversation usually centers around family. If someone is asking about kids or starting a family, Im outta there faster than you can say abracadabra. I hate the questioning, but I get it.
For me, distance or avoidance means less stress and less pressure. I don't want to hear how my biological time clock is ticking, or that the hubby and I would make great parents .....we already know this! The worst is when I've been cornered into telling our story and that person feels bad for me and then feels bad for asking. Silence. Crickets. Now I am trying to reassure them that it's okay and to not feel bad for asking. Geesh. It just gets weird and uncomfortable for both parties. So right now the avoidance/distance thing is working for me. So, you're welcome.
And if you do know our story, well you are one of the lucky few my hubby and I chose to confide in. These folks are our closest family and friends. We chose to share our infertility woes with them only so they could better understand my sometimes neurotic behavior (I totally blame all the estrogen that's coursing through me) and the waterfall of tears that can turn on at the drop of a hat. I've always been an emotional person (I prefer passionate), so this journey has been a roller coaster for me and those around me. The hubby and I tried for the longest time to keep our woes between the two of us, but it was just too much to shoulder by ourselves. And what a release it has been....to share with those we love.
Sometimes this process ruins couples. I've been extremely lucky. My husband has been so encouraging and supportive. He said to me, "Anything we have ever done has not been easy. What makes you think this will be any easier? It's not. It won't be. But it will make us stronger." So true. In the end, if this process does not work out in our favor, I know that we will be okay. We are already blessed. That's the way I have to look at it anyway.
I am even blessed with some amazing friendships. Even my pregnant friends have been super supportive and encouraging. I know how difficult it was for them to share their exciting news with me, and they were super classy about it. They knew it would be difficult for me to hear, and it was. But they also knew how happy I would be for them. I told them from the beginning to keep it real with me, to not walk around on eggshells with me. The one thing that I wanted was to be included in their lives during this special time, even if it did hurt me at times. So I am beyond thankful for the friends who have included me on their journey. I have loved the phone calls, the picture texts, the announcements, the updates, and the baby shower invites. Thank you for sharing and for including me.
To my family and friends who are not expecting; thank you for letting me lean on you, for allowing me to cry. Thank you for the kind, positive words, the big hugs, and the "pull your shit together" talks (because those are needed too). Thank you for helping me to stay sane and for helping me to not lose myself in this process.
We are forever thankful for all of your love and support. :-)
Thank you.
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